PICK OF THE BUNCH--
Q- How does a man know if he has a high sperm count?
A- If his wife has to chew before she swallows
----
Two hookers were on a street corner.
They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, "Yep, it's gonna
be a good night, I smell cock in the air".
The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."
Jokes Archive
This guy goes into a horror house and says he wants the
best blowjob he can get for $100. The madam says go to the room take off all
your clothes and we will be with you as soon as possible.
So he goes to the room and takes off all of his clothes and a few minutes later
a fine hooker comes in the room. She gives him a blowjob and he busts a nut and
then she reaches under the bed and pulls out a jar and spits in it. He says will
you do that again if I give you another $100.
She says sure. He gives her another $100 and she gives him another blowjob and
he busts even a bigger nut this time. She pulls out the jar again and spits in
it. He asks what the jar was for and she says "I have a bet with the girl across
the hall whoever fills up their jar first gets to drink them both".
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that
had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull
mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50
times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times
last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times
last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times
last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last
year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the
same cow."
A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and
roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation
down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow
and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening
he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the
waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the
ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull
wins."
There was a young man who was so wellendowed that it was bothering his knee.
Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed
it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it."
They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They
discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.
The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.
The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes
downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a
cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at
the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time
of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were
dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making
love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face
and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20
years?’"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his
door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he
unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into
the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that
isn't for me."
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then
that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
QUESTION:
What's pink and hard when it goes in... and soft and wet when it comes out?
ANSWER:
Bubblegum!
the perfect day
The Perfect Day Her
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day Him
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for
each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster
appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore
are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm
animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare),
Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum)
creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and
leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep
what men would do if they had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a handheld mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without
sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on
video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned Gspot.
What would women do if they had a cock for a day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it
looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs
between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two
inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......
16 years later
One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3
children.
Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and
took the car.
So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a
dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out
and shoots her in the stomach.
When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.
16 years later
16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom
mom guess what?"
"What?"
I pissed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom
mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."
So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.
Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"
The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."
"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"
One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.
She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.
The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree."
The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls
pants.
After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.
Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."
The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.
He told her to climb again and she did.
when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: "My
stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."
The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear
any pants!"
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her
bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a
night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back
a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
Joe is sitting on a train across from a
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To
his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll
make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy
winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs
which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a
wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the
time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18yearold
teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read
as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I
will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18yearold pool boy. Being the brilliant
mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into
54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor
gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample
tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and
gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this:
First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried withmy left hand,
but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right
hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with the teethout, and still nothing. We even
called up the lady next door andshe tried with both hands and her mouth too, but
nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep,
but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and adozen donuts.
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs
five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he
is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something
about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except
for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says,
"There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
How Many Women
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his
lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you
slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven then there's you
nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers..
you should try drinking Guinness.
That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts
yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad
was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells
at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a MedicAlert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouthtomouth.
19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my makeup, will ya!
24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steamcleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel..
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47. No, really.. I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people.
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you..
58. Does your husband own a sawedoff shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession..
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're
fantasizing about..
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic don't you?
79. You can cook, too right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.. Woman:
Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper..
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses..
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise..
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Two guys in a bar are discussing "positions" so one tells the other, "Well my
favorite is the rodeo!"
and the other says, "What's the rodeo?"
"well, first you get your wife down and start to do her doggy style, then when
you're halfway done, you bend over and whisper in her ear, 'you know, this is
your sister's favorite position too' and then try to hold on for 8 seconds!"
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a
tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.
She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then
instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting
dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me
why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's
nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best
man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they
danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came
on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out,
and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.
In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.
"Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride
between the legs."
"That must have hurt," said the judge.
"No kidding," said the best man. "I broke three of my fingers."
How does a man know if he has a high sperm count? if his wife has to chew
before she swallows
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally
beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade
especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own
beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and
desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war haunted by past
mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled.
The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering
past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one
wants to go there.
Claire was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they always
have sex in the dark.
Hoping to rid him of his inhibitions, during a passionate evening she flipped on
her reading lamp and was shocked to find a cucumber in his hand.
"Is this what you have been using on me for the past 8 years?" she exclaimed.
"Honey, let me explain…." he pleaded.
"You sneaky swine!" she screamed. "You impotent Son of a Bitch!"
"Speaking of sneaky!" he interjected,
"Perhaps you'd care to explain our two children!"
In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the
bearer of bad news" he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only
hope left for your loved one at
this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure,
semirisky, and you'll have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "A female brain goes for $2,000. A male
brain costs $5,000."
The moment turned awkward.
Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye Contact with the women,
but some actually smirked.
A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask, "Why does the male brain cost so much more?"
The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said to the entire
group, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We mark the female brains down
because they're used."
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your
boyfriend/husband along the
way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that
you can complain
and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide
loofah and
pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with
natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red
raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as
you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it
waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose
the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers
if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any
exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting
dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way,
flash
her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see
if you have pecks (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror,
scratch your balls and smell your fingers
for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
6. Wash your face
7. Wash your armpits
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower)
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the
floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partial dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass
your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah
baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
Women have spent most of the last two millennia trying to understand the
way men think. Here it is, finally. Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all
of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in
understanding men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review
the "C" answers
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply
of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?
A. Innocence. B. Idealism. C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
regard for narrow minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the
only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons,
you must have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat. B. A dog. C. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football
game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue
sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you but she can no longer
bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She
says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you
believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but
you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Bears called a draw play on third
and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
spend the rest of your life with her sharing the joys and the sorrows the
world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her
hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what??
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school.
Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy. B. Religion. C. Remote control.
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began
to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh. don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice.
"I.......have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky........
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I.....I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!" "I know..." Becky
whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."
TOP TEN THINGS THAT MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're
aiming to high.
2. Women don't make fools of men...most of them are the doityourself
types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason.... you're sick of
him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies
about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to
do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one...they try harder.
7. Go for younger men...You might as well...they never mature anyway.
8. Men are all the same...they just have different faces so you can tell
them apart.
9. Definition of a man with manners...he gets out of the bath to pee.
10. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will
usually find that he does.
11. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five
men ... a woman.
12. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men ... strong,
caring, loving ... they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
13. Men are like animals...messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but
they make great pets.
14. Men's brains are like the prison system...not enough cells per man.
15. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men ...
"don't" and "stop" (Unless they're used together).
16. Husbands are like children ... they're fine if they're someone else's.
17. If a man appears sexy, caring and smart ... give him a day and he will
be back to his usual self.
18. All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see
beautiful women pass by.
19. If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a
sudden ... he is probably checking out the woman behind you.
20. Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a jar ...
once you think you have it all put together, you find another piece but
don't know where it goes.
(Some of these are a little risqu, but most are pretty funny)
1. Jeeps don't get pregnant.
2. You can drive your Jeep any time of the month.
3. Jeeps don't have parents.
4. Jeeps don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your Jeep with your friends.
6. Jeeps don't care how many other Jeeps you've ridden.
7. When driving, you and your Jeep can arrive at the same time.
8. Jeeps don't care how many other Jeeps you have.
9. Jeeps don't care if you look at other Jeeps.
10. Jeeps don't care if you buy Jeep magazines.
11. You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Jeep" unless you go
out to buy one yourself.
12. If your Jeep goes flat you can fix it.
13. If your Jeep is too loose you can tighten it.
14. If your Jeep is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
15. You can have a black Jeep and bring it home to your parents.
16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Jeep.
17. If you say bad things to your Jeep, you don't have to apologize before
you drive it again.
18. You can drive your Jeep as long as you want and it won't get sore.
19. You can stop driving your Jeep as soon as you want and it won't get
frustrated.
20. Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Jeep after you dump it.
21. Jeeps don't get headaches.
22. Jeeps don't insult you if you're a bad driver.
23. Your Jeep never wants a night out with the other Jeeps.
24. Jeeps don't care if you're late.
25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your Jeep.
26. If your Jeep doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.
27. You can ride your Jeep the first time you meet it, without having to
take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
28. The only protection you have to wear when riding your Jeep is a
decent seatbelt.
29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great drive you had
the last time you were in your Jeep.
30. Your Jeep in never embarrassed to go topless in public.
31. You only have to feed your Jeep when you use it.
32. A rocky relationship with your Jeep is actually fun.
33. Jeeps don't care how much money you spend on them.
34. You don't have to remember your Jeep's birthday, when you first met,
or anniversaries.
35. You can feel free to remark about how much better your jeep is
riding lately.
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your
call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response
to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a timeout.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice
hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd
worked for, like "Heywood 'Blowme."
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of
your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned
helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public
ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your
wifetobe with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in
leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go
drinking. Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every month.
The show "Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice
to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
Two words: Ally McNaked.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off
the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative payperview event in world
history.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the
losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car,as long as you returned
it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smartaleck
answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop:"You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was
spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40foot thong.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil' would have a
gender association, although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled,
one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two
groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or
feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the
other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their
recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the
masculine gender because:
l. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be
referred to in the feminine gender because:
l. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in longterm memory for later
retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have
had in the past.
2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the
closet.
4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb
and have it hauled away.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the
back of your pickup truck.
"Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man"
1. A Christmas tree always looks good even with the lights on.
2. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its'sell by' date.
3. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know
I'mnotdumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde. Dolly Parton
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly everseea
smart woman with a dumb guy. Erica Jong
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of
myfriendstold me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to
do anythingthatfeels good for 36 hours. Rita Rudner
4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a
child.Wecan't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. Rita
Rudner
5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. Wendy
Liebman
6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. Erma
Bombeck
7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them!!!
Sue Grafton
8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
Roseanne Barr
9. I thinktherefore I'm single. Lizz Winstead
10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country. Elayne Boosler
11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Maryon Pearson
12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.Gilda Radner
13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want
anything done, ask a woman. Margaret Thatcher
14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combinemarriageand
a career. Gloria Steinhem
15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. Gloria
Steinhem
16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at
homewhich answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which
growlseverymorning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat
that comeshomelate at night. Marie Corelli
17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. Baroness Edith
Summerskill
18. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noosearoundyour
neck Linda Ellerbee
19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
house.
Little johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,
indicating that "johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the
differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit
down and have a talk with johnny about this." so johnny's mother takes
him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
" first, johnny, i want you to take off my blouse..."
so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
" ok, now take off my skirt... "
and he takes off her skirt.
" now take off my bra.."
which he does.
" and now, johnny, please take off my panties. "
and when johnny finishes removing those, she says,
"johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to this summer:
10. Tommy Lee's Camp Kickachickee
9. Lorena Bobbit's Camp Cutaweewee
8. Tanya Harding's Camp Wackaneenee
7. Kenneth Star's Camp Catchacrookee
6. Louis Farakahn's Camp Killawhitey
5. O.J. Simpson's Camp Killachickee
4. Michael Jackson's Camp Wannabewhitey
3. President Clinton's Camp Getahoochie
2. Ellen Degeneras's Camp Lickacoochie
And the number one camp not to send your kid to...
1. Monica Lewinsky's Camp Suckapeepee
A woman and a man were involved in a car accident it was a bad one.
Both of their cars were totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of them
were hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "So,
you're a man that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our
cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are both unhurt. This
must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends, and live
together in peace for the rest of our days." The man thoughtfully replied,
"I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she
handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement,
opened it, and drank half the bottle. He then handed it back to the
woman. The woman took the bottle, and immediately put the cap back on, and
handed it back to the man. In surprise, he asked, "Aren't you having
any?" "No," the woman replied, "I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
__________________
Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the
future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.
__________________
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.
__________________
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?
A: We don't know; it has never happened.
_________________
Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.
__________________
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her
husband is every night?
A: A widow.
__________________
Q: When do you care for a man's company?
A: When he owns it.
__________________
Q: How do you get a man to do situps?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.
___________________
Q: What did God say after creating Adam?
A: "I MUST be able to do better than that!"
___________________
Q: What did God say after creating Eve?
A: "No need to mess with Perfection."
___________________
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."!
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is
lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do
laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea."
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race,
you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her..
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
rear and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don't, you are a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.
If you are proud of your achievements, you are up yourself.
If you don't, you are not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you are oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
Many Universities, colleges, and businesses tend to strip the last name
down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the
beginning or end to make up an email address. i.e.; Mary L.Ferguson =
mlfergus or fergusml.
They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may arise when
you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a
large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny
addresses. (Probably not funny to the individual involved.)
Some examples follow:
Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University): eatonsht@dku.edu
Martha Elizabeth Cummins (Fresno University): cumminme@fu.edu
George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.):
blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania):
dickinme@iup.edu
Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University):
kissinfk@lvu.edu
Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating):
beeranbj@myplace.com
Amanda Sue Pickering (Perdue University): aspicker@pu.edu
Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University): ibballin@bsu.edu
Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,
Overton, Canada): btkisser@bendover.com
Want more jokes like this in your email?
Totally funny, triweekly, humor mailing list.
Only the best new jokes or true classics are included.
Or to subscribe send a message to:
Iamperfectsubscribe@listbot.com
Unsubscribing is simple. There's no risk. To unsubscribe
Send a message to: Iamperfectunsubscribe@listbot.com
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her, caress her,
love her, stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring food.
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar:
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender
what the test is.
Bartender: 'Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila,
the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND,
there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your
bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman upstairs who's ever had an orgasm. You gotta
make things right for her.
Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts
to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, 'Wherez zat teeqeelah?'
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp
and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the
people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The
man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his
body. 'Now' he says 'Where's that woman with the sore tooth?'
Funny Bar Jokes Alligator Tricks
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator
up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll
open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each
of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his
trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as
promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The
man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing
to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the
bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me
on the head with the beer bottle".
A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs
down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down
that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This
goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiosity, says, "I know it's none of my
business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe
and order another one" routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she
starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."
A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs
down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down
that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This
goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiosity, says, "I know it's none of my
business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe
and order another one" routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she
starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."
A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him
the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.
"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."
"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and
there was my wife having sex with my best friend."
The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house."
The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to
your wife?"
The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. ‘Pack
your bag's and get out!’ I told her."
"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘Bad dog!’"
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She
raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the
people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of
the bar, an owlyeyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
"Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the
patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy
armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,
"Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your
business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her
the ballerina?'"
As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg
that high has got to be a ballerina!"
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch
for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just bought this stateoftheart watch and I was just testing
it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A stateoftheart watch? What's so special about it?'
'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, ' he explains.
'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing
panties!'
The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'
This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for halfanhour. Then, this big troublemaking bully steps next
to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The bully says: ''Come on man, I was just joking.
Tell ya what, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying.''
''No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and
was late to an important meeting. My boss was outrageous and fired me. When I
left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.
The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab
driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I left my wallet in the
cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left
home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my
life, you show up and drink my poison...''
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to
college.
As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard.
Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns.
Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his picture taken and sent
it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a
count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a
fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"
Two hookers were on a street corner.
They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, "Yep, it's gonna
be a good night, I smell cock in the air".
The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."
A woman was pregnant with triplets.
She was robbed and shot three times in the stomach. A bullet hit each child. The
children were ok and the doctors thought it was more risky to try and remove the
bullets than it was to leave them in.
Sixteen years later, the oldest girl came into the room crying to her mother.
She told her mother she had to peepee and a bullet came out.
The mother told her the story about the robbery and explained to her that it is
ok about the bullet.
The next day, the middle girl came crying into the room with the same problem.
She had to peepee and a bullet came out.
Again, the mother explained the robbery story and the girl was fine.
The next day, the youngest, a boy, came into the room to talk to his mother.
The mother said, "I know son. You were trying to peepee and a bullet came out of
you."
The son said, "No, momma. I was stroking my "Johnson" and I shot the dog!"
An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying in bed for a few minutes, the old man cut a fart and says, "seven
points."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "Touchdown. I'm ahead 7 to nothing."
A few minutes later, the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about ten minutes, the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead
14 to 7.
Now starting to get into this, the wife quickly farts again and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."
The old man strains really hard, but to no avail he can't fart.
So not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real
hard to get out just one more fart.
Straining, the old man tries so hard, he poops in the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Halftime, switch sides."
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he
notices that the oilpressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees
oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops
at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He
sees an icecream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla
ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess
trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks
the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and
says,It looks like you blew a seal.
No, no, the Penguin replies. "It's ice cream !"
DOCTOR SMITH
A flatchested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her
breasts. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the
tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked!
She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized
she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new
boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the
bus"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
"Hickory dickory dock."
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to
meet the chief.
The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so
give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die.
What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers
something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off
the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man can only
think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and
whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off
and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going to
die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man.
What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells,
"Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! POSSE!"
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have
to come back in six months for a follow up."
"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I
don't want to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers: "There is a new procedure
where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see
wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the
skin up, and they disappear."
"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office.
"Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. " It's the worst mistake I've ever made.
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.
"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts!!!
And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"